02/20/12 Slowly Turning Nocturnal

             One hour of sleep last night (or this morning.) Ohoho, it was so amazing. Thankfully, I didn't hit REM sleep, or I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have gotten out of bed. It was just enough to refresh my mind. This is what studying for microbiology and psychology exams does to you. O.O

              The best thing about working at night time is the fact that I'm alone in the night. Everyone has gone to sleep, and it's just me. I love that. Gives me a chance to breathe freely.

              I got my first exam done for the day. I'm pretty sure I didn't fail it so I will take that. I have one more. Then I go home. I sleep for an hour. I go close in charge at work. I go home. I study. I try to sleep. I wake up for work. I work. I go to Pharmacology. I take test. I go back to work. I go home. I study. I pass out. I may have to try to eat somewhere in there too. It can be done.

             SO.... I'm supposed to be working on this "motivation" journal thingy where I'm supposed to work on changing a behavior about myself for psychology. My problem is is that I don't know what I want to change. I have plenty to change. My face is super expressive. I drink too many energy drinks. I bite at my nailbeds when I'm nervous. I stare off blankly. I leave hair in my dad's hairbrush. I steal sips of drinks from my dad and brother without permission. I hum to myself a lot. My list can go on and on and on. I'm having a problem trying to focus on one behavior. I suppose I'll just have to pick one, and do it quickly. Maybe I should work on trying to take care of myself for once............... HAHAHAHAHA, nahhhhhhhhhhh.

                       I'll figure out something.

           

02/18/11 4a.m.

                I'm not just awake right now. I'm wide awake. There is no falling asleep for me. I'm looking outside the window and I see the lightning flashing. The thunder is rolling. It makes the atmosphere so much more relaxed. I wish I had a porch so I could go outside and watch the storm. I suppose I'll stay right here at the window.

                If I go to bed now, I can get 2.5 hours of sleep before my 8-3 shift at work. Meh, I don't know if it's worth it.

                   I think I need a hug.

02/17/12

                 I'm sitting in my bedroom right now with music in my ears, and one of my favorite candles lit. I've decided to write this blog in here just because this is where I'm at my

most comfortable. MY room. The only place I can just relax and let myself think. Besides

my car, of course. I'm kind of at a loss at what to listen to right now. Muse is currently in

my ears, but I don't think I'll listen to this for long.

                 I learned something about myself. I think I get slightly scared when people

ask me about myself. I'm frightened when people want to know about me. I think the

reason being is that it's not something I'm used to. Like I really know my friends. I knowww

them. However, only a couple have taken the time to ask me questions about me. Have actually

taken the time to figure out who I am as a person. And you know that rare connection you can

have with someone? I've only experienced that once. That one connection that you can't really

explain.

                 This is definitely a different thought process tonight. I normally try to think with logic, but right now, I don't even care about logic. I'm only going with what my feelings and emotions are telling me. My emotions scare me. I don't like to think with them. Emotions can lead you to irrational, stupid thoughts.... But... it can also lead you to a better understanding to what is

around you. It has it's pros and cons. I feel that if I made decisions based off emotion, I would

end up getting hurt. Not in any specific area of life, but just in general. My feelings make me

more vulnerable as a person, and I don't like that. I don't reveal my emotions well. I don't vent

well. I don't cry well. Trust me: if I went with what my heart went with, I would be a completely

different person.

                 I don't want to be judged for this blog. I'm only being completely honest. This

is a side of me that rarely comes out, or, at least, for others to see. The vulnerable Hillary that is scared of her own thoughts. I'm just not sure what I'm thinking right now. I mean,

I just went on a tangent. I completely lost the concept of this blog. That ought to tell you something. My focus is shot. My poor fingers are getting bitten like there's no tomorrow. That's how fast my thoughts are racing.

                                     *exhales*

02/15/12 I Procrastinate on Stupid Stuff

                There are some things that I just need to get DONE. They are stupid things too. I'm just being lazy about it.

 Opthamologist appointment (eye doctor): I hate the eye doctor, but I need new glasses. I just have a subtle discomfort going to the eye doctor because 1) The eye surgery I had as a little girl, and 2) I hate getting dilated.

 Stupid Hepatitis Frickin' B shots: I just don't know where to get them done. True story.

 Return library books: It's a good thing that my library is so lenient on me because I have books out from months ago.

 Get a new bowling ball: Ummm, yeah, I really don't have a "reason" for that one. I'm just busy.

 Read Harry Potter books?: I'm thinking about not doing this one. 











                    I learned my lesson when I didn't do my defensive driving on time for a ticket.... Seeeeee, when you procrastinate on serious stuff, you get court dates like me where you get to stand in front of a judge and plead your minute little case about a $200 ticket you got at 2a.m. a couple of days before your birthday because you happen to forget to notice a speed limit change on a desolate road in the middle of the night. Oh, and your inspection sticker is expired.... 

                         It can happen to anyone. 

 

02/13/12

Yes, I am gone.
That much is true.
But, please know,
My heart is with you.

My life cut short
So quickly it seems.
Not even a chance
To live out my dreams.

You may weep,
And be filled with sorrow.
Waking up
Without me tomorrow.

But, please listen:
I cry not.
For I have found
The Love I have sought.

I'm happy with Him.
My Lord, so dear.
For this, I will not
Shed a tear.

My joy is overflowing.
My eyes shine with ardour
as I stand before
My heavenly Father.

In His time,
You also will see
His glorious Love.
Just like me.

It may not seem just
That I should go.
But I am rejoicing,
For I am Home.



-------Hillary Hardin

02/08/12 *bites lip*

             I'm sitting in the library at school, and I look over to my left. I glance at this guy who  is looking through a website called "Godhatefags.com." In my mind, I was like "O.O NOOOO. He doesn't!!!! Don't be a hater!" So I look over again.... turns out this guy is 1) a girl and 2) wearing Gay Pride bracelets. *facepalm* SO, for this, I can understand her possibly looking through that website. However, I just want to tell the poor girl that God doesn't hate gay people. I shall refrain... considering she doesn't agree with me on this (obviously...) 

                 I'm wearing one of my favorite metal shirts today so today has to be a good day. Microbiology class wasn't the worst I've ever had. Last night, however, was a different story. The pharm class was a bit crazy just because the professor was being condescending towards all the students while we were going over the results of the test we took. There are only three men in the class. The rest (including the professor) are all women. Oh, and me. As you can imagine, the estrogen was freely flowing through the room. The men were wise to keep their mouths shut while the rest of the women began getting a bit catty with the professor and each other.  I just sat there. Wide eyed and slightly uncomfortable. I just wanted to know the answers. I'm not going to go arguing with a professor who is working towards her doctorate in nursing. I ain't that stupid. The LVNs, on the other hand, don't seem to have the same mindset. Only three more months of this. 

                    

02/06/12 I Hate Mondays. Oh, and Tuesdays.

             I'm writing this quickly in between my Microbio and Psych class. This is the semester where I'm really going to have to show what I've got. I'm really determined. I only need a C or higher in Pharmacology and Microbiology, but I'm overly ambitious. I don't want to leave both classrooms without having an A. That's my goal, and I plan on making it.

            Mondays and Tuesdays wear me out. Life is good after 1:15 on Wednesdays, but until then, I'm being worn down with school, work, homework, and lack of sleep. Thursday is EASILY the best day of the week for me. It's the one day where I have nothing that I actually have to do. I'm my most relaxed on Thursday. People get on my nerves the most on Mondays and Tuesdays. If it were up to me, I would wear earplugs on both of those days just so I didn't have to hear the loud noise and voices all around me. It's hard for me to get my thoughts straight in the first place. Add distractions like that, and you have a very scattered Hillary.

            I really wish it were summer already. I know. It's really sad that I'm already thinking about summer, but it's true. I want that free time again to hang out with the people I love, and just let myself breath again. Can I have summer now? Pretty please? It really isn't too much to ask. It has to come anyway sooooo why not now, eh?

               A girl can dream.

02/05/12

              It's hard when you lose a family member, even if you didn't know them very well. When you see other people hurting and mourning, you don't know what to do. It hurts my heart. Losing a family member is a big deal to me. We share the same blood. The same roots. I just hate seeing others in pain...

            

02/03/12 I Can't Think of a Title Today O.o

               For the fun of it, I'm going to change the font and font size. Got to keep things fresh!

Wow... This is an obnoxiously large font. I really like how the guy sitting next to me in the library is reading what I'm typing, but not really. He needs to keep his eyes on his own computer. What does my blog look like? A newspaper? I can play that game. Let's see what he's looking at! Umhmmm, yep. Facebook.... mmhmmmm, yeah, looking through photos of a girl showing major cleavage. That's so dang attractive, I can barely contain myself. I can hear his breathing changing as he looks through ALL her photos. Let's go. 


        So I may or may not be in one of my moods today. I'm in a pretty good mood considering I slept well for the first time in a while. I really needed that sleep. I feel pretty relaxed. 

            Sadly, I have to work today, but I get off at 7:30. I am thrilled that I don't have to close. This makes me very happeh. 




         Yeah, that's all I got today. My mind isn't wanting to write.